Monorail? Monorail!

The question of whether modern-day cities need monorails was extensively explored in a classic Simpsons episode (The most complete collection of trivia on the episode in no-frills courier font for true Simpsons nerds; a blog which rates it "Best episode ever"; Entertainment Geekly seconds that emotion; while Entertainment Weekly says 4th-best ever; and - gratuitously piling on the links now - TV Tome's page and the BBC's page on the episode), so there's no need to go into all of the previous scholarship on this vexing urban planning question.

In any event, such decisions are made quite easily in Moscow. One can imagine Mayor Luzhkov's thought process: Is the project one which will allow me to (in my own mind) recapture the pioneering spirit and glory of Sputnik and Gagarin? And will it provide the chance for my wife's construction company to oversee a massive project with huge potential for overruns because no one really needs it to be finished? A monorail for Moscow, then - never mind that what city authorities seem to view as cutting-edge looks to sane locals and visitors from other countries like silly, inefficient excess with a 1970's flavor - a $200 million white elephant connecting the Timiryazevskaya metro station on the grey line to the VDNKh station on the orange line. I haven't heard anyone make the case that this was a corridor crying out for more mass transit, and in any event the monorail itself does not have a very high passenger capacity. It has, however, garnered positive attention for Moscow on the Monorail Society's website, so I guess the expenditure was worthwhile.

All of that aside, when we found out - in the weekly Bol'shoi Gorod, where else - that the Moscow monorail (pictured unfinished as line M1 on metro maps for years) was open to the public for test runs, and on a snowy Saturday, no less, we couldn't resist heading out to Timiryazevskaya to take a ride. We got off the metro and walked out into the snow, passed by the usual rows of kiosks and saw the tracks in the distance. Walking closer, we were encouraged - here was the station where we would board the monorail:


Or so we thought until we were able to get closer and read the numerous signs on the station doors:

In the "excursion" mode in which the monorail was working, Timiryazevskaya station was not open for boarding.

Not to be deterred, we waded out into the slush along the shoulder of Dmitrovskoe Shosse and hailed a car. [For those of you who don't live in Moscow, this is one of the best ways of getting around, provided you're not a single woman and can speak enough Russian to explain where you need to go and not get ripped off - sometimes they are referred to in English as "gypsy cabs," although they don't have anything to do with gypsies, and in Russian the drivers are referred to as chastniki]

We figured that if you couldn't get on at one end of the line, you must be able to board at the other end, so we asked the driver to take us to the VDNKh station.

In this photo from the car on the way to VDNKh, you can see the rocket statue in the distance and the Islamic devotional item hanging from the rearview mirror.

After a mere 40 minutes or so in snowbound traffic, we piled out of the car to this scene of contrasts - a monument to humankind's ascent into the cosmos juxtaposed with a decidedly earthbound man:


By this time, Lorina had had to call someone she was supposed to meet downtown and tell them we were hung up far from the city center - our merry monorail jaunt had turned into a bit of a mission and was looking like it could turn out to be a wild goose chase.

We were disheartened to see that the VDNKh station was also not open for boarding, although it did seem to be providing useful shelter for some stray dogs sleeping in between the sets of exit doors:

We had to hail another car and ride about a half-kilometer (we would have walked it if not for the blizzard) to the Ul. Sergeya Eizenshteina station, where we finally got our coveted ticket to ride:



After a mere 20-minute wait, our chariot came into view on the track,

and soon we were on our way above the treetops. The view was indeed nice - first we cruised by the entrance to the VDNKh (in Soviet times, this was the place where national achievements were exhibited, now it has become a more conventional expo center where various conventions and trade shows are held, although there are still some permanent exhibits, not to mention lots of vendors selling overpriced shashlyk made from meat of questionable origin.


We were also treated to another view of the Kosmos hotel and rocket statue:

Note the internationally oriented warning label on the door - they sure are thinking worldwide with this monorail thing. We also passed the Ostankino TV tower (of towering inferno fame - although I understand it's going to be re-opened for tourists sometime next year), although I couldn't get a good picture of it since it was too large and too close.

It was finally over when we disembarked at Timiryazevskaya and were happy that our (OK, my) obsession had been fulfilled, the mission impossible had been accomplished, and we could get back to our weekend on a more normal note.